My husband has lost his trust in me. Even after I have shown him my loyalty to not only him but to his people time and time again. Even after I had to reduce my rank from Crown princess to commoner.
When we first met, I was nineteen and ready to find someone to call husband. My father, the king of Wind Strings, set up hundredths of dates with handsome and kind men. They, for the most part, were all very kind and well-mannered and seemed to have some interest in me. But although they were kind, they all saw me as a decoration to add for their bedchamber. After turning down men after men, my father had begun to get impatient and so was I. My father questioned what exactly I was looking for in a husband, since I was a woman and wasn’t supposed to have expectations for her future husband.
When my mother was alive, she made sure to teach me all the basics of a good wife: to know how to cook, clean, provide support, and please a husband not only bed but also in the presence of others. She gave me endless lessons on the importance of pleasing one’s husband. Her efforts were not wasted for every word that she spoke was drilled into my head. I remember every lesson word for word.
And although I knew my role, I still couldn’t just marry the first man that flashed a kind smile. I wanted more than what my mother taught me to expect. I wanted a man that would treat me as an equal. A man that will realize that although I was a woman, I had read endless books not only of cooking but also on landscaped and poems. That I knew how to rule a kingdom, to read and make maps. I had the knowledge of a wise woman but also the knowledge of a wise man.
But with my father growing inpatient and my hopes of finding a man like that diminishing, I began considering lowering my expectations. I had friends who were married off to the first men that showed interest in them. Their lives weren’t so bad, if you were to ignore the constant cheating and humiliation of being treated of no higher status than a someone they pay to sleep with. But just as I began giving up on the hopes of finding someone who will treat me as a person, he appeared.
He was a man in his mid-twenties dressed in blue robs that had its hems embroider with violet mountains. His charcoal black hair was pulled back in a single braid in the back of his head, that reached his calves. Every step that he took was filled with elegance, an elegance that will put any woman to shame. His head was held high, making it impossible to miss his vibrant purple eyes. He was Bai Fan Dequan II, the crown prince of Violet Summit. He has come to String Winds to straighten the alliance between both kingdoms by inviting my father and three disciples of my father’s choosing to attend their annual Sword Fight.
The annual Sword Fight of the Violet Summit was spectacular. Not many were allowed to presence it, it was an honor to whoever they chose to invite and be part of the competition. The sword fight was, just as its name suggested, a sword fight among the most skilled of the Violet Summit and the other kingdoms that they choose to invite. The winner will have the opportunity to take home ten thousand bars of gold and silver as well as ten jars of the TEA, one of the best liquors in all seven kingdoms that is only made and sold in Violet Summit. My father had of coursed accepted and had planned to take his three most skilled warriors, but I insisted that he chose me as one of the three.
I might have been a woman, that seemed too weak to protect herself, but I had that skilled needed to have a chance at competing in the sword fight. Wind Strings is not a kingdom dominated by swordsmanship, instead men often focused on their instrument abilities. The masters of the instruments were capable of playing tunes that could either kill a person or save their lives. It was the symbolic skill of Wind Strings. But I, a woman wasn’t allowed to participate in any instrument lessons thus I focused on swords. I am by no means better than the warriors at Violet Summit, but I am better with a sword than the men my father was taking.
As expected, the warriors from home didn’t even last to the first match, but I did. But I was defeated in the third round by Bai Fan Dequan II, I didn’t even last a minute fighting against him, but I lasted enough to make an impression on him. After that quick match he and I engaged on a casual conversation, after he received the approval from both his father and mine. We walked around their territory, with his people gushing over us and insisting on giving us free food.
Besides having a handsome face, he was very knowledgeable, which is to expect from the crown prince of Violet Summit. But he treated me as his equal. After two springs since our first official date, we married and on that winter of the same year I gave birth to our son, Bia Xian Jinhai.
Although I had found a husband that respected me, it didn’t come at a cheap price. Since he was a crown prince, I had to give up my title making me a commoner. Now there is nothing wrong with a commoner, but when you are married to a crown prince, it’s not ideal. His father, although gave his blessing didn’t like that I refused to slave myself in the kitchen to cook for his son or to wait for him every night with a warm dinner.
I knew that waiting for him with a warm dinner was to be expected of me but since I was a commoner, I didn’t have access to helps. I needed to do everything all on my own. The cleaning, cooking, sewing, and take care of our first child. I was also in charge of his father’s meals and laundry. And on top of all of that I needed to look presentable at all times. That was too much to ask for and my husband agreed with me, but as months passed the disciples and his father grew more and more irritated with my lack of manners. I found myself being excluded from meals and had to watch as another woman, took my place in official manners.
We both tried to get his family to accept me, but we didn’t succeed. They wanted me to obey the gender roles, but I couldn’t do it, although I tried. I tried to be well dressed as I waited for him at dinner. I often didn’t sleep for days in order to keep this perfect wife status. I went through severe sickness because I stopped caring about my health. I did all this because I hated the fact that another woman was chosen to stand by his side instead of me. I was a crown princess before marrying him and everyone knew it but after I became a Bai, they all forgot who I was.
Even as his people hated me and wanted me gone from his side, Bai Fan, stayed by my side. When I fell ill, he pushed all his responsibilities aside to make sure that he was the one that brought me back to health. He began arriving home early, so that the three of us could have dinner and he could spend more time with Xian. He would take days off from his duties, even when he knew he would get punished by his father, in order to take us on strolls around his territory. The common people still liked me by his side. They still cared for me just like they did on that afternoon after the Sword fight. But although he tried to spend more time with me, as his coronation approached it became impossible to make time for me and his son. I was once again left alone with his disciples and their judgment.
Thankfully, my loneliness didn’t last long, thanks to Bing Kenson. Bing Kenson is my mother’s first child with her side husband and my childhood best friend. My parents, although they seemed very much in love when my mother was alive, they had secret families and children. Everyone in Wind Strings knew of their side families but no one spoke ill of my parents, only their side families. I knew of Kenson when I was five, my mother introduced us with one purpose. To get me to take liking into him in order to protect him when others cursed his shameful birth. To me, Kenson is my older brother even if I have to call him “friend” in front of others.
Having Kenson by my side made me feel safe. He was the only friendly face, besides my husbands, that I had in Violet Summit. He helped me with the cooking and looking after Xian. He was the one that taught Xian to walk and to properly great his elders. I knew that Kenson wanted to marry and have children of his own but being born out of marriage made it impossible for anyone to want him as a son-in-law. Thus, I let him spend all the time he wanted with Xian, since that is as close to having a child that he will get in this lifetime. Kenson often took us on strolls and taught me more about maps and war strategies. He was my happy place when my husband wasn’t around.
Having Kenson with me made me forget about the exterior world, which was a mistake on my part. I was so happy spending time with someone that liked me to notice what the Bai disciples were saying. Without noticing, a rumor began spreading over the land of the Bai; that I, the crown prince’s wife, was having an affair with Kenson. The reason behind their false accusations was that I was spending so much time with Kenson and that Xian looked very similar to him. My husband was the first to hear the rumors but didn’t bother to tell me. When I found out about all those lies it was too late to fix everything.
My once happy family that loved to laugh together became a war of screams and insults. He would come home and yell at me for every little thing. That I didn’t cook his father’s meal properly, that I made him late to his duties with my late breakfast. I tolerated all his yelling thinking that it was all stressed. I remain silent when the yelling began. But when he began insult Xian, I could not hold my tongue, I yelled back at him. I told him of how I was stripped from my title in order to marry him. Of how I had to give my melody away in order to become a Bai. I told him time and time again that those rumors were false. I even asked him to question my father about Kenson’s and I relationship, but I wasted all my energy in vain. He just wouldn’t listen.
The fights became so bad that we moved from insulting each other to physically harming one another. It was hard to believe that the man that I married out of love though so low of me. How he, that was so rational and intelligent, could not see how Xian wasn’t Kenson’s son, but his. How he who was the brightest could not see that Xian was a replica of himself. I went to sleep every night with a new broken rib, fractured bone, or a black eye. It was hard having to pretend that everything was fine in front of Kenson and Xian.
Kenson knew that there was something wrong between my husband and I, but he didn’t have the status to ask. On our last fight, I threw a bottle of wine at his head, he was not injured but a disciple saw me. I was sentenced to death after one hundred days of torture for treason, for almost ‘killing’ crown prince, and adultery.
Before being taken to the dungeon where I would receive my punishment, I was allowed to spend one final night with Xian. On my final night with Xian I wrote a letter to my husband telling him everything, starting with Kenson and I being half siblings to how him and Xian are so similar not only on appearance but also on their behavior. After sliding the letter under the door to the bedroom where I was the happiest and the saddest moments, I attempted my escape.
I wanted to escape not because I was afraid of death but because I was scared for the faith that Xian will face after my death. He is just five months old right now. Although Kenson loved him, he didn’t have the resources to take care of him. Unfortunately, before I place on foot down the steps of his bedroom, his disciples saw me sneaking around and took Xian from my arms and threw me in the dungeon.
Today marks the final day of my punishment. I have endured living in a rat-infested room wearing a torn and smelly robe, and multiple scars from the five hundredth slashes with the torn bush that I received daily. In these one hundredth days I was made an example of what will happen to those that commit adultery. I was forced to strip in front of the guards as they threw rocks at me. I was forced to eat of the floor covered with rate feces and other disgusting things. But the worst punishment of all was the shaving of my hair. Since I was born as the member of String Winds, my hair and its length determined my lifespan but with it gone marked my last hours in this life.
Although I have a tragic end, I wish and hope that Xian has something better. I wish that his father would read my letter and see how Xian and he are truly related.
My eyes feel heavy and for the first time in days I find comfort as the guards push me down to the ground.
~Izumi
IXCATCOY 