A year has passed since I made the biggest mistake of my life, choosing the words of others instead of my wife’s. I knew deep down their words weren’t true, but I still chose them over hers.
I believed and chose them over her, for they were my disciples and knew me since birth. I chose them because I wanted my guilt to extinguish. I wanted to get rid of my shame for betraying the one person that adored and loved me as an individual and not for my position or ability to execute orders. I choose them over my wife.
Izumi, my wife, was like nobody that I had met before. She was the very definition of elegance and intelligence all in one. And she was beautiful. She was beautiful dressed in all those expensive robes and golden hair pins. She was beautiful as she played on the ground with our five-month-old son at that time. But she was breath taking as she leaned across a wooden table drawing out and studying maps with ink all over her robes and hands. Every time I glanced at her she took my breath away. I was left breathless when glancing at her whole being. From her long jet-black hair to her worn out shoes that she loved so much. She never failed to leave me breathless.
But my love for her didn’t stand a chance against their decisions of choosing another female disciple to take her position in official matters. Although I never glanced at that woman, I betrayed my wife for allowing them to place that woman by my side.
My love for her didn’t stand a chance against their words and judgement of her. My disciples disliked Izumi as my wife. They disliked her for her stubbornness to be valued as an individual and not as a woman. They complained about her constant refusal to follow common wife standards.
Izumi, refused all that for she wanted our marriage and family life to be based on teamwork and not gender roles. And I silently wanted the same thing. I wanted to help her out with the household duties. I wanted her to tell me how I could help either in the kitchen or with our son, Bai Xian Jinhai. I silently wanted what she wanted. Silently.
I silently supported her attitude, decisions, and personality. I silently cheered her on and was proud of her. Silently
And that was my problem. I never publicly stood up for her. I remained silent when others sinned her name with false accusations. I never contradicted their wrong assumptions. I never took a public stance by her side. I never did and that was my mistake.
My mistake was choosing their words over hers. I choose theirs as she cried and screamed the truth. I choose theirs as she spoke her truth with blood gushing out of her wounded body. I choose theirs as she cried with our son in her arms.
But when I was finally going to choose her, it was too late for she had taken her last breath.
The night she took her last breath I finally allowed myself to see the truth after speaking to her father. The truth was that Bing Kenson was nothing more than her half-brother. He was the only one that actually cared for her in Violet Summit. He was the one that was by her side when she needed support and someone to make her smile when things got hard. He was her support when I failed to do my duties as her husband. He was there for her instead of me because I placed more importance on a title than on my loving family.
That night I looked at Kenson and Xian, from far as they played. Kenson was consoling Xian for he missed his mother. As I observed them, I was finally able to see my son again. I was finally able to see his baby features as a combination of his mother and me. Xian was half me and half Izumi. And I didn’t see that when I choose to be blinded by the ill words of others.
The next morning, I was crushed with the announcement of Izumi’s death. I held our baby and cried harder than him. I cried and yearned for the woman I had betrayed. I yearned for the woman who always found a way to make me feel better. I sobbed and yelled for her, but she never came. And how could she. I pushed her away, I made her to be a villain when she was nothing but loving and good.
I stayed there embracing my baby and sobbing for the things I should have done.
I should have stood up for her
I should have defended her and her position by my side
I should have appreciated her
I should have loved her better
I should have…
~ Bai Fan Dequan II
IXCATCOY 