Sitting on top of the red rug in her bedroom, Rae placed her throbbing head in the middle of her knees taking deep breaths. She inhaled and exhaled thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong at four in the afternoon.
She inhales and pictures her parents arriving early from work catching her on the act. She pictured her mother boiling with rage as she tells them to dress. She exhales imagining her father tossing the naked boy out of their home as her mother calls her names.
Inhale, slut, whore, shameful, her mother will call her. Exhale, her older sister would laugh at her for how foolish she was. Inhale her father would send her back to her grandmother to be raised in a proper Catholic household. Exhale.
Ding! An in coming message makes her fast beating heart skip a beat and her palms sweaty. She quickly stands retrieving her phone off her black nightstand.
With shaking hands, she unlocks her phone, only to sigh in relief seeing that it’s not her parents but Steven
Be there in ten
K, she texts backs and tossed her phone onto her bed.
Trying to stop her palms from sweating so much she begins to brush her hair, for the tenth time in the past thirty minutes.
“It’s okay! They don’t need to know, they won’t know. He will come and be gone hours before they come home. I’ll clean everything before they come.”
Placing her black hairbrush down. She quickly scans her room.
Everything is clean, from her red carpeted floor to her balcony.
Exiting her room, she rushes into the kitchen to ensure that nothing is out of place. The dishes have all been put away, the counters and dinner table are spotless. The tomato stain in front of the stove is no longer there. And the smell of Bleach is well hidden by the lavender incest that she burned five minutes ago.
She exists the kitchen and into her parent’s bedroom. Their bed is made, and the multiple pillows are organized by color, just how her mother like it. Making sure to close the door on her way out, she enters her room once again.
She stands in front of the mirror, she stares at her sock cover feet, wondering if it would be appropriate to keep her socks on. In all the articles she had read they never mentioned if keeping her socks on would be appropriate. Glancing upwards she messes with the hems of her shorts, wondering if choosing shorts was a good idea, the articles didn’t include anything on what was the best outfit for this occasion.
Looking at the silver clock on her desk, it reads 3:55 pm. Seeing that there is only five minutes left she wonders if she is doing the right thing.
I mean she has never been one of those who believes in waiting until marriage or to be in a relationship. Besides this won’t be the first time that she had done something similar. But it was the first time she was going all the way with someone she barely spoke to. Someone who had called her a stalker and weird. Someone who had told her to go fuck herself when she wanted to explain why she happen to get off at the same bus stop as him. Someone whom she had admitted having a crush on last year. That same someone who had told her that he didn’t feel the same way and stopped talking to her.
But that was all in the past. She is no longer… her feelings are no longer there. This was all because he was the only one she felt comfortable doing this with. This was all because she could no longer rely on writing, reading, or running to make her feel better about all the arguments with her parents and sister. This was all because he was the only one with whom she felt comfortable enough to reveal herself to without worried about his judgement. This was all because he had shown an interest on doing it with her. Well that’s not true a boy whom she was friends with years ago ask her to do it in freshman year, but she had refused.
Ding!
Steven
Here.
Rae rushed to her closet and open her bra drawer to take out the two square pockets that said, Durex. Fanning her flushed faced, she tossed the pockets on her bed and calmly walked to the front door.
Cleaning her sweaty palms on the back of her shorts, and taking a deep breath, she opens the door revealing the first boy, person, outside of her immediate family to ever be invited into her parents’ home.
“Come in” Rae says with a small smile.
“Nice home” Steven says
“want water?”
“sure”
Rae enters the kitchen and retrieves the two bottles of water that she had placed in the refrigerator at 3:05 this afternoon. Handing a bottle to him she signals him to follow her with the tilt of her head.
Once in front of her bedroom door, she opens it letting him go in first.
Closing the door and locking it, she exhales.
“so… want to put on some music” Steven says from behind her
Turning to face him she smiles and nods.
Steven fetches his phone from his back pocket and tosses himself into her bed, acting as this was his room. Rae walks next to her bed and hides the two square pockets under her phone.
She stands next to him wondering if it will be too late to send him home. She knows that he would go without much convincing, but she is not so certain that she wants him to go away. He… no what they agreed to do could be a way for her to have a few minutes of peace.
He glances at her and smiles extending his hand towards her. He invites her into the bed next to him and Rae lets him for he could help her without him knowing. She accepted because she knew this was a healthier option than the other methods she had tried or wanted to try. She takes his invitation knowing fully well that if at any moment she wishes to back out he will understand.
And so, they begin. He cares her skin making her closes her eyes forgetting everything. She forgets her acceptance and rejections letters form universities. Forgets it all the arguments over her wanting to go far away. Arguments over her wanting more time to explore her hobbies. Arguments over who should make decisions over her own future. Arguments over who is at fault for her desire to go to a new place away from everyone. Arguments over who she should want to be. She forgets it all. Forgets.
This is not how she pictured this going down, sleeping with someone just out of pure need of a distraction. But its not too bad that is happened this way. She is distracted for a few moments and that’s all she needs to get some of her sanity back. A few moments of clarity are what this reckless decision got her and that’s all she was hoping for.
Bidding him goodbye she silently thanks him for the moment of calmness that he provided. Silently thanking him for distracting her.
IXCATCOY 