The clock ticks and ticks. Time passes and passes. Days begin and end. Begin and end. And I remain sitting at my black desk staring at my laptop screen without getting anything done. I stare at a blanc screen from dust ‘til dawn. I hear the world around me get loud and silent without joining in the fun or the regrets of everyone who actually got started with their day.
I sit at desk staring at my blanc screen as it turns off and on throughout the day. I charge it and uncharged it without getting things done. My pile of to do grows and grows with many things that need to get done. Things that I must complete to graduate college. Things that must get done to have a shot at making a living. Things that must get done to follow my dreams. Things that must get done to chase a foolish dream. A foolish dream that will never turn into a reality for I sit at my desk staring at a blanc screen.
A blanc screen that used to be a blanc page waiting to be filled with whatever came to mind. A blanc page waiting to be stained with ink. A blanc page filled with a sparkle. But somehow that page turned into a screen and lost its spark. It lost the spark that stained the page with ink. And when the spark was gone it was hard to get back to getting my day started.
With the spark was gone it was easier to fall into the void. A void filled with darkness, and the insecurities and judgement of others. A void filled with self loathe. Self-loathe for every decision I have ever made and didn’t made. Self-loathe for all the words that left my mouth and for those that didn’t. self-loathe for those whom I have met and for those I call friends. Self-loathe for the friends I have made for I have submerge them in my problems. For I have made them listen to my worries and insecurities. For I got myself involve in their lives. I made my problems theirs and I had no right to do that. I had no right to call them friends. I had no right to speak out about my problems for they were mine, mine alone to solve.
The clocks ticks and ticks. Days begin and end. As the sun rises, I get off my bed and get ready to start my day for the darkness, the void, is finally gone after its unexpected visit. The void is finally gone but it will be back again. It will come back tomorrow or within an hour. But for now, I will get started on my day. I will shower and get my make-up done for that makes me feel a little like myself. And after that is done, I will sit at my desk and decide if I have the strength to tackle my do to list. I sit and decide whether I want to work on schoolwork, blog stuff, or just a on random things.
The day ends and I continue to be seated in front of a bright screen, but this time is no longer blanc. Now it’s filled with words, so many words that make no sense at all. So many words that make so much sense. So many words that mean so much. So many words that mean nothing at all.
The day begins and I have a choice to make.
IXCATCOY 